God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
I serve a living God.
One day in 4th grade, while throwing dodge balls across my elementary school’s gym, I was sent down to the office. I red-haired lady met me there and guided me into an empty room with no windows. I remember observing the white walls, white chairs, white desk, and white tiles–and instantly felt nervous.
She sat me down, and told me we would do a series of tests to help teachers understand me better. At that age, I found the tests kinda fun and didn’t think much about it. After an hour of putting puzzles together, scribbling in workbooks, and failing miserably at math equations, she sent me back to join my class. The day went on as normal.
But one week later, I would take home a brown envelope that would impact my life in ways I didn’t expect.
I was diagnosed with a learning disability, along with an assessment that predicted I would be in jail by the age of 18. It stated that I was a juvenile, I paid no attention in class, and was performing way below my age group. My mom, being an immigrant single mother, didn’t understand the context of the assessment and was disappointed.
From then on, I was under the impression that I was destined for failure. So just as the assessment predicted, I became that juvenile.
I was the class clown, always causing trouble, and underachieved academically almost every year after that. I thought, why try in school if I’m stupid? Why put in the effort if I’ll end up in jail anyways?
Even though I made people laugh, I was dead inside. At school, it was all giggles and candy, but at home it was depression and suicidal thoughts. This carried on for years. I spent nights begging God to take my life, and wishing that if any harm was to come to my family, let it come to me first–I deserved it anyways.
Then one day in 8th grade, I got sick of putting that responsibility on God and decided to kill myself. I downed a bottle of sleeping pills and woke up a week later in the hospital.
One thing about depression is that it doesn’t just leave after you survive suicide. It stays, lingering, stirring, until one day you wake up and accept that this is how you’ll feel for the rest of your life.
God had other plans.
During those dark times, he was there. Even when I cursed at him and hated him for letting me go through what I went through. He showed his grace in ways I couldn’t see until just a few months ago when I finally gave my life to Christ.
The thing about serving God, is that it doesn’t exempt us from going through trials and tribulations. A lot of us wish that, but the bible even says we are going to have hardships. However, we WILL always have Christ with us to help us endure.
He is a Pslam 46:1 type of God.
One thing about enduring hardships is that it helps us see God’s glory.
It took me years to realize that I am NOT what people said about me long ago, but I am who God says I am. His words are final.
There are so many stories I could share, and will definitely share more in the future, but this is part one. This is how it starts. From an underachiever in school, to attending the University of Toronto. From destined to failure, to publishing my first poetry book at 23.
They said I wouldn’t do it, but God knew what he was doing.
So I present to you my first poetry book, “I See How You’ve Kept Me“.
It is a four part debut poetry book that takes you through a journey of brokenness to reach complete healing.
Using personal experiences and those of others, the book tackles childhood trauma, depression, and escapism through relationships. Above all, it reveals how the love of Christ transforms. After years of running from the past and using relationships to fill a void, the end shows how fulfillment is found in something greater than ourselves.
The book comes out April 25, 2021 on various platforms, however PRE-ORDERS are available! The first 100 copies are special limited editions, and wanted to give YOU first priority.
Grab your copy here:
Thank you for taking the time to read this post! God bless you all, and never forget that even in your hardest moments, you’re being held.