Our last moments were…. final.
I guess that’s the best way to put it.
Realistically I never expected us to end the way we did. But I’ve learned that some things aren’t worth the trouble. When hurtful words are thrown at you and you find yourself questioning your worth, definitely reconsider whether being with someone is healthy. To have someone who means so much to you change in the blink of an eye can drive you insane. You wonder what you did wrong and start to blame yourself. It’s never your fault alone. It takes two to build a relationship.
I learned that there are some people who will act like they are perfect. When they are angry, they will take it out on you. Then somehow you did something wrong. When they have wronged you, it will be difficult to receive an apology. Sometimes, people cannot put pride behind them and realize when they have wronged you. There were times when I had to lower myself in order for him to even attempt to apologize. No more. If someone states that they no longer care about you, do not chase after them. There are plenty fish in the sea, some that will never say those words to you.
Although our relationship had it’s amazing moments. I found that the hurtful ones lingered. All because someone has done a lot for you doesn’t mean you have to stay with them if you find yourself hurt. With a past of unfaithfulness, deception, and belittlement, I had reached my boiling point. I will never understand how someone can not see how their words can affect someone. How can you go a whole day without even acknowledging when you have been wrong? If you are so angry that you actually contemplate beating up a guy for merely looking at you, then maybe you need to take a moment. Maybe you’re too sensitive right now. But noooo. Let’s hurt the girlfriend that tried to cheer you up the moment she woke up.
I’m so over giving, and giving, and giving to people who don’t deserve my love. I’m over the one-upping game. I’m over the unwillingness to accept criticism unless you say something too. I’m over the blame game. I’m over everything. I will not allow your words to define me anymore. I am not ungrateful, desperate, awkward, concerning, disrespectful(all because I challenged your male ego). I was the best person I could be in that relationship, and sure I’m not perfect but I tried. So I never want to see that I was disparage towards you. And if I ever hurt you, I’m sorry.
Break ups are hard, but we will get over them. Sometimes it takes letting go to fully revise what you should work on, and what you deserve. I don’t regret being with him, and I will always see this relationship as a lesson. With that said, I am grateful for our memories.
I know this probably isn’t my best written piece. But I had to let it out. This is a confusing time and I am still processing everything that happened.